Goal Setting
Posted by: madkaw on: April 21, 2009
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Setting Goals
ive should be setting goals for myself and checking back on them day by day on the updates. Because im getting to be such a wuss i need to set these goals as i wont forget and i will finsih and accomplish them
1. Start Boxing
4/21/2009(delayed due to stupid work)
4/22/2009(was able to do it in the morning and its gonna be a pain tom)
2.Start Learning Roads
4/23/2009(tried an alternate route to work today which is the C5 road yey for me) hahaha
3.Start standing up for one self
4/21/2009(dammit i need to be more assertive like this situation with the driver read an ariticle in the net it might help)
4.stop smoking
4/20/2009(had one for today im ending it with one stick a day)
4/21/2009(had three sticks stress!)
4/22/2009(had one during traffic another one during the night before going home)
5.Stop leaving everything up to chance.
4/21/2009(woke up early for boxing even if i could have slacked off and waited for the afternoon which may not come because of the OT)
6. Sideline with thesis group(have to think up a title for what MJ is asking)
7.Start learning something about the work im doing.(yeah i learned that sometimes people are irritating because they want something despite the fact that they know u have to bleed for it)
8. Be more sensitive to the people around me.
4/21/2009(im trying to but im losing patience with some other people)
9: take care of my face
4/22/2009(might come by flawless later depending on the time of work i receive today)
Thats it ill update this later as not to miss the other things that i should be doing
Dreaming up a key to myself
Posted by: madkaw on: November 21, 2008
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I better write this down before i completely forget. It was one of the weirdest dreams that i ever had in my whole life. Let me start from the beginning lately ive been trying to pull myself out of bed. Wondering why i was already up and awake but i manage to fall back asleep a few minutes later i shut down the alarm. in one of those lucid moments i dreamt i was talking to two kids and they talked to me kinda like the ones in the movies the darkroom with a spotlight shinning on you. and during those times i was asking myself why i wasnt waking up…. then suddenly those two kids tell me. Its because u hate your life that much. Which started me thinking huh? it is true that recent activities has caused me to hate my life because much of whats happening to me is i THINK been forced into me. and because of that i got burned out quickly. I was never able to decide what i REALLY REALLY wanted.
Then after that i forgot some parts of the dream… ARGH why is it when we dream we always forget other parts of it when we wake up?! anyway going on… i ask.. why am i this way? then the two kids tells me “we’ll tell you! its because ??????, negate and forget” the forget part im not sure but im pretty sure thats part of it the question marks is an important word but i totally forgot what it was. Recently ive been caught up in a huge wave of struggles in my life. I dont know but today was one of the first few days that i was able to get in early at work and go ahead of my boss(which is an achievement by itself). Anyway thats it for now. Im gonna be lost a bit today trying to figure out the puzzle that has been locked in my soul for a long time.
Things i need to prioritize
Posted by: madkaw on: November 13, 2008
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Yesterday thinking back to my life i need to create a list to read again over ad over again what i need to do with my life. So this would follow with brutal honestly i will list them out
- Myself(includes physical fitness and the increasing my will power (stabilize my life is included))
- Family
- Love (yeah her specifically)
- Friends
Fear from the bully
Posted by: madkaw on: November 11, 2008
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When we say the world bully we always seem to think of images about the schoolyard bullies and the cliches of movies kids facing up to the bully and the bully will stop bullying them anymore.
But what if you grow old and the bully is still there? not in the form of the schoolyard bully but right in your own home? It continues to stop you.. Stopping you from what you want to do… Stopping you from being who you are… So how do you face your fear? How do you face the bully of your life?
Unpleasant Bad morning to you too…
Posted by: madkaw on: October 6, 2008
Whenever i seem to write here its all about bad days. It started out last night when i was coming home and there was a whole in a street i barely saw the hole and before it had a huge sign to it and for some reason the sign wasnt there anymore last night. So i ran over it and the car began to run weirdly having inclinations toward the right i checked it after i ran over the hole and saw that nothing was wrong at first. Then after a few minutes discovered that my front right tire is damn flat! Then after a few short moments a cab driver helps me out and discovers that my rear tire is flat as well! Talk about the fucking odds of that happening! It started around 1 am and called my brothers to help me out. I came home at around 5. We asked a cab driver to lend us his wheels and we just paid him 200 php for the trouble and the gas. Then i decided to take the half day off cause i was soo lacking sleep to get to work. And surprise surprise! mommy dearest decided to scream at me at the morning which made it a very bad morning about the two tires cause we left it at a jack outside the house. Then told my dad too who decided to scream at me as well which almost gave me a friggin heart attack. Then i later find out the driver already brought the tired to be vulcanized. And shit… the tired were not going to be fixed like that. It was running on flat. And the tires had to be changed. so id say in terms of a good morning this would be at a perfect fucking 10 out of 10 in terrific mornings.
The List
Posted by: madkaw on: September 11, 2008
A friend to make things right with myself i should make up a list of whats helping me
and whats not helping me in my life. ill just put up two list for that and i guess constantly updating it 
Whats Good For me
1. Exercise
2.Learning all the things that i want
3.Meditation
4. Discpline
5.Better relationship with my family
6.Better relationship with my friends
7.Career
8. More Sleep
9.More Willpower!
thats it for now ill update the list below next time when im more ready to admit to myself whats wrong
Whats not Good for me
Its just one bad day…
Posted by: madkaw on: September 9, 2008
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“All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? You had a bad day and everything changed”
- Joker “The Killing Joke”
Alan Moore
It just takes one bad day to drive the sanest man to lunacy. Ive had plenty of down days. I figured there are so many things in my life that i want to do but well… There are always certain obstacles that stop me from doing them. But the worse obstacle i have to face so far is myself. Ive had prety lots of bad days thank god i havent completely drowned in self-pity and sorrow. But im near to it anyway :-l I havent been happy with my life as of late. Im being forced to do things i dont like. I swear but if i was left alone to my own devices the kinds of things that i like to do isnt exactly healthy as well. If i didnt have anybody in particular i would just be playing the xbox360 the whole day not giving a damn about anyone. Explore the bounds of my escape from reality where the world is all in black and white no greys. Just me and my perverted sense of morality( well some other people think of my morality that way :p ).
Its sad that the way im living my life isnt what i want or love to do. But otherwise doing what i want with my life is unhealthy for me. Im just trying to find a new direction or way to go. To be able to find a new direction that will both something my family likes for me, something that i love and at least make me feel content with my life
Angry and Confused
Posted by: madkaw on: September 1, 2008
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Honestly right now i am just very pissed and im very confused.
It always has to be me to make her feel better. Its always be who has to adjust. But you know what the worse thing is? How can i do this all for her when she herself isnt even there? Like the song in All or Nothing says
“i’d fight for you but how can i fight for somebody who isnt even there?”
But the worse part about this whole affair is i had an inkling this was coming. It was the little things that made me feel that way she has this suitor that i wish she’d tell the guy she had someone. And when we were at the concert i wanted to hold her but there other times that she doesnt want to as she kept looking over her shoulder she’d make a little excuse that its because its hot. But for all i know is its because the ex was around. She had so many little things that she did that made me feel this was coming. It really is pissing me off honestly i just learned to keep it all underwraps under my chest and let it be. Doing anything more would make me the excuse or the reason for it not happening at all.
I cant very well force her to continue on. Its between her and what she feels. Thats the worse part the fact that i cant do anything at all when in fact everything has been blamed on my “messed up life”
Calm before the Storm
Posted by: madkaw on: August 19, 2008
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Here i am 8 am at work going to start on what im supposed to start on for the day… What am i gonna do today? well today i plan on finishing the work i was handed. It has been a weird day so far. It so quiet now… I feel like im in the calm of a storm right now. It started last night when my brother told me he was gonna have words with me because last monday i went to my princess’ house well i didnt really notice but it was really raining heavily and water was able to get in the car. My mom already scolded me for it. Which i will admit it was my fault. I should have checked it when it was raining.
Second last night i wasnt able to come to my church group cuz i left something at her home. I was planning on quitting it cuz i figure i just didnt have the heart anymore to go. I didnt really feel the vibe of going there anymore i mean always when im there it felt so forced. honestly i just didnt really like being there i guess im just not ready for that sort of thing yet, I was ready to tell them that i wont be able to come anymore. But this morning my mom came to me and gave me a bible and notes for me to use when i get there.. and when i told her i wasnt able to come she’d mention that im getting her excited about the church group. Which made me feel lousier and total dick for going to tell her which I opted not to do. But seriously this faith thing in my house is really getting out of hand. Its driving me nuts…
Lastly the princess of my life… Yesterday was a good day with her i got to spend the whole day with her and it was one of the few times in my life i felt really loved and important. But then again i always feel that way whenever she is around. Well with some exceptions of course. Before ive been having lots of quarrels with her which only roots from one thing. Which is sleeping. She just wants someone who can stay with her the whole night. I can adjust to that lifestyle but the only problem is i have responsibilities at work. I have to be uphold those responsibilities. Dont get me wrong its not only because she wants it that im giving this to her its just i want spend every moment and waking time with her and sometimes the fatigue i get from work from my family it just gets to me sometimes i just wish she wouldnt throw a fit because i slept. And its also that i love her so much ive decided that i really want to stay with her for the rest of my life. and last night i was soo tired that i fell asleep which surprised me. That damn alarm clock didnt work again for some reason it was set but it didnt work to wake me up around 11 so i can talk to her more.. dammit.. oh well… Anyway have to get to work its 830 here already ciao
Day one
Posted by: madkaw on: August 11, 2008
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I haven’t written in awhile here… So here updates updates… well my love life still sucks. the girl is still as complicated as ever nothing is ever simple. she came home and she again left for the US as of last night… wasnt exactly what ud call the best of nights. But its useless to think about it anyway. going to her house and get some stuff that i left at her place pick it up give her mom the durian i bought from Davao and go off into the church group thing afterwards That wasnt the point of this whole post!
Today is the beginning of me quitting my smoking habit. i havent had one today yet so far. And im going to devote my energy to working and stopping myself from smoking if ever in the case that i do smoke one it will add to a tally which will be located in my status message in YM :p stupid i know but at least i can keep count and i know if i dont continue on ill look like a total dufus. anyway thats it for today. ill post again tom to keep track if i smoked or not
